Literary agents from hell

Many new authors have the mistaken notion that if they can snag a literary agent, then their manuscript will automatically be openly welcomed by publishers large and small, and shoots their submission to the top past the slush pile…

Well, that’s only partially true, and only if your agent knows what the hell they’re doing. Otherwise they’ve just damned your book to the eternal slush-pile hell and screwed you over for the length of your contract with them.

The issue with agents today is that there are so many of them, and many of them under-qualified. A “literary agency” such as this is a husband and wife or gang of three book club buddies who decided to sit up in bed one day and proclaim “I read a lot, I like good books, so therefore I can be an agent.” Newsflash: it doesn’t work that way. Just as not everyone can be a writer or publisher, not everyone can be an agent. The problem is, there is no standardized test or schooling for being a literary agent, and it literally costs no money up front to start, so technically any Joe Shmoe off the street could go into their local office supply store, order some business cards, letterhead, and set up a basic web site and, well….you’ve got yourself a literary agent.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are many legit agencies out there that are very reputable, with agents that know what they’re doing, take their job serious, and can really help jump start a new — and even seasoned — writer’s career. They’ve done their homework, they’re registered with several literary agency communities and boards that require certain criteria in order to join and maintain membership, and have proven track records of past successes. The misfortune for many new writers is that there are many more untrustworthy agencies than there are legit ones.

How do you tell the difference?

Well, it’s quite obvious, honestly. At least, to a seasoned writer or an editor at a publishing house. For me, I can spot an unqualified agent from a mile away. Well, maybe not a mile, but within the first two sentences of their cover letter. And you’d be surprised how many submissions we receive by these so-called agents who immediately turn us off of the book, before we’ve even had a chance to read the author’s synopsis. Why can we get turned off so easily, you ask? Well, read on…

In the last two weeks, I myself have opened three submissions from agents with at least two typos in their cover letter, four that spelled my name wrong, and two that apparently didn’t read our submission guidelines (one about binding the manuscript). Immediately, without even considering the content of the letter, the agency reeks of less-than-novice experience in the publishing world, and is obviously unprofessional. It shows a lack of respect for the publisher, and even more so, a lack of care or respect for their author-client.

One letter in particular actually made my eyes bulge and I had to refrain from calling the agency just to give the agent a good tongue lashing. In the agent’s cover letter there was a short (and I mean short) three sentence description of the book. The description went something like, “provocative, spell-binding example of a modern-day fairy tale with action, intrigue, romance, and deception, etc.”

…”etc.”???????

Who the hell uses the word “etc.” in the description of a novel, let alone a supposedly professional agent? I was honestly pissed that an agent – from whatever size house they claim to hail from – would try to slide that by us and actually seriously believe that we would accept something of that quality. The bastards…

So how does this affect the author?

Well, in a lot of ways. Like I said, the unprofessional appearance of the agency is an immediate turn off, in more ways than one.

1. The agency does not come off as professional or reputable

2. The quality of the agency reflects the quality of the writer – meaning, if an agent cannot take the time to proofread their cover letter, what are the chances the book they are representing is actually of quality? It’s easy to assume that the book is mundane and they are representing it only because it’s all they can represent.

3. It also makes an editor assume that the writer must not be professional to contract with such an unprofessional agency.

So what can you do to avoid these agents from hell?

1. Do your homework. Research around, get background information on an agent before you just sign on with the first that will take you.

2. Ask for a past sales list. This will give proof of a track record, to show the agent actually knows how to sell.

3. If accepted, ask questions once you are working with your agent. What does he/she like the best? Do they think it needs work before submitting?

4. NEVER sign on with an agent that suggests you working with a specific editor/book doctor, or vice versa. These agents receive “kickbacks,” or a sort of finders fee, for referring their clients to a friend or acquaintance book doctor. An agent could suggest you investing in an editor, but should leave it up to you to find one on your own.

5. Ask to see the cover letter they wrote about you first before they send it out. Their cover letter is the first impression that will be made upon an editor, it should be polished, and the perfect representation of your novel. It’s your novel, you should have the right to see it before it’s submitted.

6. And the obvious, check their website/listing for grammatical errors and professional appearance. Chances are, if an editor has never heard of a small agency, they might Google it to check up on the background a bit. If you research the agency and see a badly written or designed site, chances are the editor will see it too.

Below is a link to a great article on literary agents from the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America website. Mainly about what to look for and what to stay away from.

http://www.sfwa.org/beware/agents.html